Quintet list for January 18th

Five things you never want to hear the woman you’re cheating on your wife with to say:

1. Oh, by the way, your wife called today.


2. Hey, I’ve never noticed this rash before!


3. I really think we should get married.


4. We need to discuss where “this” is going.

And drumroll please…

5. What does it mean if the line turns blue?

Grossest Louie Watch to Date

I was making our time cards out today at work. I noticed that tomorrow is Friday the thirteenth. Against my better judgment, I mentioned this to Louie.
“Oh,” Louie said, “I don’t believe in that stuff. You know, like the good Lord says, ‘You can’t wish upon a star.’” What? What bible do you read? Maybe he confuses God with Walt Disney. To be fair, that is a common mistake, isn't it? I don’t know. Anyway, here’s the gross part. After work, I was in the bathroom washing my hands. Louie comes in and starts peeing. I feel the need to mention that the toilet is only like two feet away from the sink, without a stall. I’m trying to ignore him the best I can when he says, “Oh my gosh, look at my pee. Look how yellow it is.” I swear, he really did this.

The Crapper's My Private Place

You know, I mention my co-worker, Louie, a lot in this blog. Why shouldn’t I? He’s a comic gold mine. I’ve noticed a new habit of his that I think drives me more nuts than any of the rest. He always feels the need to talk to me when I’m in the crapper. No joke. He can go all morning and not say a word, but just as soon as my butt hits the seat there he is right outside the door yelling in. The other day a customer walked in, and there Louie was, at the bathroom door, carrying on a one-sided conversation. I wonder what that customer thought. Can you imagine? Who in their right mind talks to a person when they’re trying to take a dump, except for of course your wife?

Quintet list for January 10

Five things you never want to hear from your doctor:

1. Ooops.


2. It should quit burning in a week or so.


3. There, the rectal exam is done. Uh…have you seen my other glove?


4. You mean I was supposed to amputate your left leg?

And drumroll please….

5. O.K., time for the colonoscopy. Let me fire up our new scope made by Weedeater.

Turkey Flavored Rice Krispies

Ok, people, this one is a classic. A buddy of mine recently had back surgery. He can’t pick up anything. I mean, nothing at all. I called him today to ask how he was doing. “All right,” he said, “except for I wanted a bowl of cereal this morning, but I couldn’t pick up the jug.”
Well, this was already humorous enough for me, so I asked him, “Do you need me to come fix you a bowl?”
“No”, he said, “I already took care of it.”
“How’d you do that”, I asked
He replied, “ I got the turkey baster and used it to fill my bowl.”
There are just some things you would give anything to see. I didn’t even have the nerve to ask him how he was dealing with his sex life.

I'm Google's Whore

I finally whored myself out. I decided to put adsense on my blog. For those of you who don’t know what that is, I’ll explain. It boils down to this, Google gets to put ads on my site and if anyone clicks on them I get money. They say Google software actually reads my blog, at least someone will, and will put ads on my site according to what I write about. I’m really conflicted about this.(Trojan condoms) I take my blog writing very seriously,(Ford F-150) and I don’t want to sell out and bring you, gentle readers, an inferior blog.(Masengill douche) That’s what’s wrong with this world anyway; ads are everywhere.(Betty Crocker) No matter where you turn you’re bombarded with ads.(Wal-Mart) Oh well, I need some new bling.(Hertzberg’s Diamonds)

Dumbest Louie Watch to Date/Shout Out to Dave

O.K., I’m going to have to give a little back-story on this Louie watch. Louie has a girlfriend. She is about five one or five two, she weighs about one eighty or two hundred. She’s big. Louie is about five three and weighs ninety-five on a good day. Yeah, I know, I don’t know how they do it either. Anyway, Louie drives himself nuts thinking she’s cheating on him. When he ain’t singing, it’s all he talks about. I don’t say it, but I’m thinking, “She’s huge, man. She’s ugly. She doesn’t even have a pleasant personality. Trust me, she’s not cheating on you. She couldn’t find anybody if she wanted to.” But I’m too polite so I keep it to myself. Today he was going on and on about it and said the dumbest thing to date. He said, “And now she says she’s going through menopause and having hot flashes. (she’s 46) I think she’s just nervous about all the cheating she does, and it’s making her sweat.” Huh? Could he get any dumber? I don’t know for sure, but I bet he does.


David, hope you’re feeling better, buddy.